How to lose weight

If you’ve never struggled with your weight-this post is not for you. If you have, welcome fam!


It’s not about looking hot…. Ok it’s a little about looking hot.

At least that’s what was always my motivation for wanting to lose weight since middle school when I first grew to a size larger than most of the other girls. I always wanted to lose weight, but didn’t really know how to do it. In middle school and high school I had no clue about nutrition or how to safely lose weight so I went to some pretty extreme measures. I remember wishing I could stick with bulimia or anorexia. Those gals had dedication. But alas, forcing myself to vomit required shoving a toothbrush down my throat for about 20 minutes before anything would come up- making my eyes water and bloodshot, and my head throb. I came out of the bathroom looking like I just got back from a 72 hour rager in Vegas. Not exactly subtle. And I think the longest I went without eating was like 14 hours before I ate three packets of ramen noodles-chicken flavor of course- the food of the poverty gods.

Needless to say I wasn’t successful in achieving a healthy weight or body image in middle school or high school, as few do. Take a gander at this hot chick:

Enter my 20’s– still overweight but I’m a little smarter and now am braced with the vast knowledge of my brother, who lost 100 lbs on weight watchers. Between that and his obsessive compulsive research on health and fitness, I finally knew the right way to lose weight. Diet. Exercise. The whole shebang. But knowing and doing successfully are not the same thing. It is during this time period that I yo-yo lost and gained the same 15 pounds.


Cue the wedding bells! It was after marrying my husband that I then did the opposite of what I always wanted to do (lose weight), instead I gained 50 lbs. Bringing me to the heaviest and unhealthiest I had ever been. I stayed at this weight for about two years. That’s not true, I yo-yo’d the same 20 pounds down and up.


Finally enough was enough. I took 5 major steps to losing weight so I could be “healthy” (really so I felt like I looked hot).

  1. Weight watchers- I tried counting calories, I tried counting carbs, I tried counting fat. Didn’t work for me long term. Oh it worked for you? Rub it in, asshole. Weight watchers worked for me.
  2. Working out. A LOT.- I had always been pretty active in the past. I played softball and danced in high school. And I did zumba in other weightloss attempts. This time I did everything. I jogged, I weight lifted, I swam, and I did pilates and zumba (It helps with the feeling hot bit I go for)
  3. Water- You know those commercials where some dude quit drinking soda and loses like 15 lbs? Or so and so Sally switched to diet and lost 10 lbs? Fuck you both. I’ve never been a soda drinker so there was no soda to cut out. But I did increase my water intake. Take your weight, divide it in half and drink that in ounces. It’s a lot of fucking water. Especially when you’re fat. 
  4. Weighing in- So this probably isn’t the healthiest bit of my regimen, but I weighed myself everyday. Sometimes multiple times a day. I’m not recommending it. But I think it motivated me a lot. It didn’t cause me to skip meals or starve myself. Actually it helped me to recognize how much your weight can fluctuate in a day, so if I got on the scale in the morning and it wasn’t what I expected, guess what? not the end of the world. 
  5. Refocus- So I started it all to get ‘hot’. All very superficial reasons. But what ended up happening was I fell in love with the health benefits. I didn’t have to pop antacids after every meal. I didn’t wake up with back pain. I didn’t sweat in uncomfortable places due to fat rolls. I know, gross. I had more energy. I felt… strong. All of these things ended up meaning more than looking hot. 

Am I done losing weight now? Not even close. I still have more to go before I’m in a healthy weight range. But from June 2016-August 2016 I lost 40 pounds. I’ll go into more detail about each of these points in later posts, but I was almost 60 pounds less than my heaviest weight. And if the lighting and camera angle is just right-I might even be able to pass for hot.

Here’s a before and after. Bitches love a before and after.


Just had a mini heart attack because I thought that was a snake behind me. Just a stick.

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